Springs Series: What You Need to Know about the Enneagram Three! | Dr. Jera Nelson Cunningham

enneagram podcast type 3 May 08, 2023

Have you found yourself saying things like:

"I hope I will make a good impression."
"What a waste of time."
"Why is it that everyone has more success than I do?"
"I bet I could do that!"

If these aren’t something you would say, are these familiar phrases you hear by a loved one?

If so, you might be a Three or know an Enneagram Three.

I would love to invite you to join me on a journey of self-discovery and compassion to learn insights about the personality type who might be known as the achiever, go-getter, efficiency boss, and success advocate.

And, if you know a Three or want others to know more about the Three personality Type, go ahead and follow that prompting to share this podcast with them. Just use this podcast platform’s share feature so this episode can give others an opportunity to learn more about the positive impact of the Enneagram Three.

[0:54] Welcome to the Simply Wholehearted Podcast!

[2:24] What do you need to know about Enneagram Three?

Well, friend, we would need way more than the time you want to give in one sitting because the nuances of each Enneagram Type are as varied as there are options of ice cream at your neighborhood supermarket, but this episode will offer some highlights to help you understand more about the perspective of a Three.

As we dive in, I want you to know that if you want more Enneagram or specific Enneagram Three resources, I’ve got you covered! You can head to the show notes for podcast recommendations and so much more.

In this episode, I will share some unique traits and insights into this assertive personality. Then, you’ll get a first-hand account of an Enneagram Three and her experience in the self-discovery and wholehearted process. Last, I want you to listen to the end because the insightful Deanna Sudom will finish this episode with a scripture and prayer specifically for you or your loved one!

[3:30] What does the Enneagram Three look like as a child?

Capable.
Well-liked by peers and adults.
Hard workers.
Forget to play and enjoy their youth.

Many Enneagram Threes as children intuitively felt they would earn love from others through qualifying their worth through actions that garnered admiration or praise from their caregivers. This hunger for love would drive them to perform well to get the recognition that reinforced their focus of attention on achieving or winning. Praise could potentially be the easiest way to acquire a sense of love and acceptance. Over time, any real love could be confused with the attention received from being successful at any level.

[4:39] What are some characteristics of Threes?

Threes are motivated by the desire to be productive, achieve success, and avoid failure. They often measure themselves by external achievements. As a Three continues to mature, their fear of falling short of their goals and ideals of success, incompetency, and inefficiency (in themselves) drives them to DO more and be less. They fear not being successful, and being exposed as fraud, and they struggle with comparison.

[5:17] What strengths do the Enneagram Threes have?

The Three's decision-making strength associates them with what is known as the Heart triad (Types 2, 3 and 4). They feel information first and incorporate reaction or thinking secondarily and another commonality of the Heart Triad is the desire for significance. A Type in the Heart Triad will be led by their reaction to their emotional struggle, which is shame.

[5:43] How do Threes deal with conflict and tension?

While the Three struggles with shame, this is temporarily alleviated by doing and accomplishing accolades. In an effort to avoid their feelings of shame, the Three's focus is on tasks by creating the image of a successful person. But when accomplishments fail,, and their efforts are maxed, they will get caught believing that image is everything. For fear of being exposed as a fraud or failure, the Three may become deceptive, causing them to stay stuck in shame.

[6:24] What is the Three’s communication style?

The Three ’s communication preference falls within the Assertive stance in the Enneagram, Being future-oriented by nature, they tend to focus on what must be accomplished next, which can lead them to never to feel satisfied with their achieved goals or never to celebrate how they are thriving. Their tendency towards productivity causes you not to be fully present with your loved ones.

[6:48] How does a Three feel?

When it comes to the feeling center, you may be surprised to learn that the Three is Feeling repressed. They may not believe they are feeling repressed because they take in information with their feelings, but here is the key: They don’t use feelings to process their personal information. They hide from their personal feelings and turn it into something else or reframe it (ignoring or pushing it away). What triggers them is feelings of inadequacy, but they don’t feel like they have the time to determine why or do anything to change the outcome.

The Three must be cognizant of their tendency to believe if it’s not 100% successful or a total win, then they or it is a failure or too slim of a margin to celebrate - the invitation is to be willing to live in the well done and good enough space of even if they or the outcome isn’t completely 100% to their original goal or they didn’t completely knock it out of the park.

[8:00] How do Threes deal with grief and loss?

When faced with loss and grief, the Three may naturally grieve what will happen in the future, so in the face of loss, they may have already grieved this moment and are ready to move on to the next thing. And that feeling repression issue may very much add to their desire to keep busy instead of paying attention to their sadness and loss.

[8:20] What are the wings for an Enneagram 3?

Like all Enneagram Types, the Three’s wings are on either side of its number on the diagram. The Enneagram 3w2 are warmer, more encouraging, sociable, popular, and enjoy being the center of attention. The Enneagram 3w4 tend to be focused on work, success, and may be slightly pretentious. They are sensitive, artistic, and more introspective.

[8:55] What traits does an 3 take on when triggered and on the flip side, when they are practicing rhythms of stillness?

When a Three’s triggers are activated, they may self-sabotage and engage the low side of the Nine, become disengaged and apathetic. They neglect themselves and possibly numb out by watching TV, playing video games, shopping, eating, etc. Basically avoiding those feelings and lacking motivation.

[9:18] What happens when an Enneagram 3 consents to stillness?

When a Three practices rhythms of engaging in solitude the practice teaches you to be present - to yourself, God, and others- and opens the door to encounter Jesus, the True Achiever.

Their broken-hearted moments are transformed into wholehearted healing as they declare these truth statements:

May I acknowledge my worth even in solitude.
May I celebrate my God-given value.
May I find freedom in a love not earned.

⁠Rest from the thoughts of what others think about you. Let yourself discover you are worthy by the One who values you before you do a thing. ⁠When you engage in solitude, you can access a part of your often repressed feelings. Being alone in the present moment invites you to glean your worth from God alone instead of those around you.

[10:14] How can a Three observe spiritual rhythms?

I love that AJ Sherril advises Enneagram Threes to observe the church calendar rhythm of Lent, specifically Ash Wednesday, which is a sobering day to remind us of our mortality. Liturgical observance invites participants to remember that our pursuits and achievements are but a breath - or as the prophet Isaiah reminds us in the 40th chapter: ”the grass withers and the flower fades, but the Word of our God endures forever.” This reminder can help a Three transform any pursuits that are expressly to gain the approval of man instead of God.

[10:49] Here are three tips for an Enneagram 3 to remember!

In addition to spiritual rhythms, here are practical tips for a Three to remember:

Spend time or give specific attention to get to know yourself. Specifically to attune to your motivation behind your driveness.
Practice meaningful pursuits outside of work or admired accomplishments. Just do things in life for the pleasure of them.
Learn to examine your weaknesses without immediately leaping into action to reframe, cover or to master them. Remember, authenticity begins with you.

[11:33] Let me introduce an Enneagram 3, my client, Dr. Jera Nelson Cunningham.

We crossed thanks to becoming an enneagram coach! She will share some of her story today! She and I are going to talk about the Enneagram + attachment and how that ties in with parenting! So stay tuned for that in the late summer/early fall!

[12:30] Dr. Jera Nelson Cunningham shares insightful and helpful realizations throughout her journey:

She immediately saw the contemporary approach to the Enneagram as a way to combine her faith, love of Scripture, and developing secure attachment in families. She liked the structured yet flexible model of the Enneagram that allowed each person to be unique as well as having indicators of health and stress. It wasn’t just a description and label, it provided direction for improvement of self and a path to draw closer to Jesus and others. She saw the personal, spiritual, and relational benefits as well as its clinical usefulness.
The ultimate benefit of the Enneagram has been deep self-reflection while also deepening her relationship with the Lord because she was able to be honest about herself. She was able to recognize how she masks, or holds back her feelings or ideas to maintain people’s positive views of her. She was able to explore her tendency to avoid shame. The enneagram gave her the freedom to trust the Lord to lead her life rather than working hard to make things happen. It affirmed her desire to dream of how God can use her passions and longing in a way that she would find fulfilling and glorify Him.
The Type 3’s desire for recognition, status, and respect is hard for her to acknowledge because it sounds so self-focused and superficial. If she focuses on being significant to God and remembers that He loves her for who she is and not what she does, she is less likely to put so much emphasis on her achievements.
Her relationship with the Lord has grown through the exploration of the enneagram and digging into her Type 3 desires and behaviors. Her fear of failure and admitting mistakes has been holding her back from her authentic self. It has also left her stuck in shame for her shortcomings.
God wants all of her heart, and she has been afraid of the “tearing down” part. The Lord is so much more kind and gracious about her shortcomings than she was to herself. His grace, forgiveness, and kindness through “building up and planting” without “tearing down and uprooting” has allowed her to continue to explore areas that the Lord would like to refine, be open to growth, and depend on Him.
She didn’t realize how she compartmentalized her emotions and ignored them to achieve and focus on tasks. She struggles with this as a parent and works hard to help her children process their emotions. She wants to quickly move to tasks and checklists. This is an area of continuing growth for her.
As she’s been doing Enneagram work, she’s been able to recognize the negative Type 3 patterns in her life:

Feeling inadequate leads to shame which causes 3’s to shut down and hide their feelings.
To not get stuck in shame, she often believes the lie that she has to accomplish and have it all together and cannot waste time to process feelings and reactions. When she makes time to sit with the Lord and quietly reflect on her feelings and Scripture, it leads to insight and how the Lord is working.
Her achievement-oriented self is trying to let Jesus take the reins on her life.

[25:17] Deanna Sudom closes the episode with a heartfelt prayer.

Type 3 friend,this is Deanna Sudom. You have been created to bring the Hope of God into this world. You are greatly needed to help shine light into the darkness with your natural ability to be confident and optimistic and inspiring. Thank you for the ability to be industrious and work hard to provide for your families. In this, remember, that it says in Proverbs 3:4 “Do not wear yourself out to get rich; do not trust in your own cleverness.” As you magnify the Lord, your awareness and understanding of Him will increase and set you free from creating a persona that is not authentic.

Psalm 34 in NKJV vs 1-5 and 12 -15, although I encourage you to read and meditate on this whole Psalm it says – “I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make its boast in the Lord; The humble shall hear of it and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together. I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked to him and were radiant, and their faces were not ashamed – vs 12 Who is the man who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil and do good; Seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry.”

Father, Thank you for these role models and ones that run with initiative and create and build and are hard wired for success in this world. I sense that God wants to assure you of His love and care for you outside of any kind of success or achievement. Lord, will you meet them in the real, in the failures that rise up, and help them to see you walking them through it and not needing to “put on anything fabricated” to be okay. Thank you that their value ultimately comes from you, and even if all the things were stripped away, they are worthy of your love. Help their love not become resounding gongs and clanging cymbals, empty and a show. But Lord, reassure them whatever they do, as to the Lord and not men, that you will be the one that brings them their reward, not any person. Lord, bring healing in the deep seated places that need to perform for love. Help them to be present, sending others that bring and create harmony and peace in their spirit and surroundings. Bless them Lord, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Amen! If you are an Enneagram Three, I hope you feel loved, valued, and celebrated by this episode. I’m guessing if you know a Three, they will appreciate that you’ve taken the time to learn more about how they view the world the way they do and that they are so much more than a number! Share this episode with them and a message about how you value their amazing work in all the things, but that most of all you love them for just being who they are!

The best is yet to come,

Episodes about the Enneagram Threes:

Springs Series: What You Need to Know about the Enneagram Three! | Dr. Jera Nelson Cunningham

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