Springs Series: What You Need to Know about the Enneagram Four | Dr. Anne Morgan

enneagram podcast type 4 May 15, 2023

Have you found yourself saying things like:

"No one can really understand my unique struggles."

"Why do I feel as if I don’t belong anywhere?"

"I want to create something authentic and original!"

“I feel their pain so deeply, how can you dismiss it so easily?”

If these aren’t something you would say, are these familiar phrases you hear by a loved one?

If so, you might be a Four or know an Enneagram Four.

I invite you to join me on a journey of self-discovery and compassion to learn insights about the personality type who might be known as the individualist, the romantic, the creative, and authenticity advocate.

And, if you know a Four or want others to know more about the Four personality Type, go ahead and follow that prompting to share this podcast with them. Just use this podcast platform’s share feature so this episode can give others an opportunity to learn more about the uniquely empathetic nature of the Enneagram Four.

[1:03] Welcome to the Simply Wholehearted Podcast!

[2:33] What do you need to know about Enneagram Four?

Well, friend, we would need way more than the time you want to give in one sitting because the nuances of each Enneagram Type are as varied as there are options in the nail polish aisle at Target, but this episode will offer some highlights to help you understand more about the perspective of a Four.

As we dive in, I want you to know that if you want more Enneagram or specific Enneagram Three resources, I’ve got you covered! You can head to the show notes for podcast recommendations and so much more.

In this episode, I will share some unique traits and insights into this withdrawing personality. Then, you’ll get a first-hand account of an Enneagram Four and her experience in the self-discovery and wholehearted process. Last, I want you to listen to the end because the insightful Deanna Sudom (another Enneagram Four) will finish this episode with a scripture and prayer specifically for you or your loved one!

[3:48] What does the Enneagram Four look like as a child?

Sensitive
Feel like they don't fit in
Active imagination
Feel lonely or abandoned

Many Enneagram Four as children have an ache to be known and loved, but their complex emotions may often diminish the genuine receptivity and love from their caregivers. While they naturally celebrate and practice wonder of the details of all things beautiful and magnificent, they may miss seeing it within themselves. Unable to recognize their own beauty or even their ability to belong with any one circle of family or friends creates a sense of disconnect from themselves propelling their quest for authenticity and uniqueness.

[5:05] What are some characteristics of Fours?

Fours are motivated by the need to experience their feelings and be understood to search for the meaning of life, and to avoid being ordinary. As a Four continues to mature, they fear being dull, emotionally cut off, commonplace, ordinary, or mundane. Fours can feel misunderstood, leading them to experience darker moods and feel envious of others.

[5:35] What strengths do the Enneagram Fours have?

The Four's decision-making strength associates them with what is known as the Heart Triad (Types 2, 3, and 4). They feel information first and incorporate reaction or thinking secondarily, and another commonality of the Heart Triad is their desire for significance. A Type in the Heart Triad will be led by their reaction to their emotional struggle, which is the feeling of shame.

[6:05] How do Fours deal with conflict and tension?

While the Four struggle with shame (we all do in some measure), the four’s unique struggle with shame is about the missing piece within them or when others miss their need to be seen or validated. Because the Four's struggle is with shame, they may become annoyed when others try to cheer them up. The Four may become self-absorbed and uninterested in others' feelings to avoid their feelings of shame. When their ideals fail, and expectations go unmet (being seen and belonging), they will get caught in a cycle of moodiness and rejection. When their desire for validation is rejected, they slip into their fantasy world, which often fuels their shame. It’s a vicious cycle.

[7:04] What is the Four’s communication style?

The Four ’s communication preference falls within the Withdrawing stance in the Enneagram, which means their strength is being mindful of the past. They tend to think, “What should I have done differently? They are likely to dwell on what caused them unrest, lack of significance, or disunity with others. This can lead them to tune out and daydream instead of engaging in the present, which needs their focus attention.

[7:37] How does a Four feel?

When understanding the Four’s repression center, they fall into the category of doing repression. Specifically what costs the Four the most is not finishing what is essential. This is not the same as a Seven, who is known to bounce from thing to thing- a Four gives up because they give up on themselves. They tend only to see their inability or ability in extremes. What triggers them is knowing they have so much potential, but they compare themselves to everything out there and feel that they lack and will feel inadequate.

The Fours must be cognizant of their tendency to over-identify with the sense of belonging or being outcast. The invitation is to actively speak truth to their rightful place in their circles of community. Even if they are not able to be 100% authentic or always the first invited or even in an exclusive relationship, then they still have a valuable role to play in those relationships. They still belong, they are not an outcast just because those prerequisites are not met..

[9:11] How do Fours deal with grief and loss?

When faced with loss and grief, the Four may naturally grieve what happened in the past, so in the face of loss, they may experience delayed grief, but when they have space and time to reflect, they may be surprised or catch others off guard by grief that could happen even months later.

[9:44] What are the wings for an Enneagram 4?

Like all Enneagram Types, the Four’s wings are on either side of its number on the diagram. The Enneagram 4w3are more extroverted, competitive, upbeat, ambitious, emotionally volatile, concerned with image, and flamboyant. The Enneagram 4w5 tend to be more introverted, intellectual, withdrawn, reserved, observant, eccentric, have intellectual depth, and depressed.

[10:50] What traits does an 4 take on when triggered and on the flip side, when they are practicing rhythms of stillness?

When a Fours’s triggers are activated, they may self-sabotage and engage the low side of the Two; aloof Fours suddenly become over-involved and cling to others. They try to manipulate others into loving them because they operate under the coping mechanism that getting attention from others will replace their own emptiness, in the end this creates a chasm in authentic connection they so desire because they are trying to form something that is truly authentic.

[11:30] What happens when an Enneagram 4 consents to stillness?

When a Four practices rhythms of resting in solitude, the practice teaches you to be present - to yourself, God, and others- and opens the door to encounter Jesus, the True Originalist. Their broken-hearted moments are transformed into wholehearted healing as they declare these truth statements:

May I feel truly seen by God.

May I be at peace with my authentic self.
May I give myself the gift of belonging in my own skin with the unique life I have.

⁠Friend, Your Father Sees you. Be affirmed by the Presence of the Holy One who celebrates your one-of-a-kind beauty.⁠ When you rest in solitude, you believe that being alone is okay. Rest from the inner emotional turmoil and angst so you can receive the truth of what God sees. Drawing your acceptance from Him allows you to give back in your relationships with clarity and calm without the neediness.

[12:32] How can a Four observe spiritual rhythms?

I love that AJ Sherril advises Enneagram Fours to observe rhythms of feasting with those they trust which helps to spawn a sense of joy. The day of the church calendar to call to mind is Resurrection Sunday, Easter. This is a day of celebration that true light has overcome the darkness of Good Friday. Easter reminds a Four no matter how dark their circumstances within their inner world, joy does come in the morning and someday will remain forever.

[13:05] Here are three tips for an Enneagram 4 to remember!

In addition to spiritual rhythms, here are practical tips for a Four to remember.

Spend time in acknowledgement and gratitude of the commonplace.
Practice verbal affirmation of others’ unique traits, qualities, and accomplishments.
Learn to examine your focus on what is missing, when you refocus to what is present, available & valuable in the moment will lessen the feeling of being disconnected or separated from others.

[13:39] Let me introduce an Enneagram 4, my client, Dr. Anne Morgan.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to be her guide-by-the-side. We meet at a monthly gathering in KC called Wise Women. She runs integrative wellness practice called Thrive Once More.

[14:25] Dr. Anne Morgan shares insightful and helpful realizations throughout her journey:

She kept hearing about the enneagram from many different sources. She kept getting “nudges from God” that pushed her towards it. She teaches integrative care, which is lifestyle medicine teaching people to be healthy. She wanted to check it out and finally went to a talk where Amy was speaking. She figured out she was a Type 4. She didn’t know what that meant, but she knew her type.
When she heard what it meant to be a Four, she sobbed! She couldn’t have written a better description of herself! It was so powerful to her to know what it meant. The pain that she felt when reading her description opened a “wound” because she felt that it was deep work that needed to be done.
She was hesitant to start with a coach, but she heard the priest during Mass say, “When we know ourselves the best, we can be the greatest gift for God.” She knew it was her sign to dig into the Enneagram, figure out what a Four is, and own it! She has experienced pivotal change in the way she understands herself, gives herself grace, and that her fears are different from 89% of people!
When she recognized that her creativity and sensitivity are strengths (instead of her perceived weaknesses), it created pivotal change in herself and in her relationships. Amy helped her unpack how she relates to her daughters and what her daughters needed to receive love. She learned what her daughters’ strengths and motivations are and gave grace when she saw their fears come to life.
She has noticed that people who don’t get the most out of the Enneagram who rely on their number. “He acts like this because he’s a *insert type*” It is not an excuse for certain behaviors. It is a tool to uncover where we need to extend grace but also to grow within ourselves. It can also be a spiritual experience as well.
A Four is a romantic, sensitive, emotional person! Fours want what others seem to have. She has leaned into knowing these things about herself to grow and improve.

[25:04] Deanna Sudom closes the episode with a heartfelt prayer.

Type 4 – Fellow 4 friends. This is Deanna Sudom. You have been chosen by God to reflect His Creativity. This manifests in many ways through words and art and how you show up in this world unlocking its beauty and Creator for others to see. As 4’s like it straight, I sensed the boldness in the scripture will speak It says in James 4:1-10 MSG version

Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves.

You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it. And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.

You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover."And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble."

So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper.

Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field.

Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious.

Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet.

Thank you Father that you are the One that helps Your creative ones get on their feet, that time in Your presence will be the difference maker. Lord, will you shift the longing for things seemingly missing in themselves and trust that you have given them everything they need for life and godliness.

Thank you for their ability to sit in the deep with others experiencing pain and loss. As in Jewish practice type 4’s can sit shiva with people offering their presence instead of answers. Thank you for their empathetic hearts and compassionate generosity.Father divide and discern where a critical mind turns into a critical spirit and turn the alert into an indicator to bring all things to you Lord.Remind them when solitude is required to bring balance and stir them to intercession for others to get them out of their heads when they feel stuck. Release them to journal their prayers to you, expressing creatively to their King.Father remind them that their feelings do not define them but are merely descriptors to pay attention to, to be able to name it and give it to you so they can move forward.Gratitude breeds contentment for you type 4. Father help them to create this practice to speak praise and thankfulness to and for you.Lord, thank you that you have knit these ones together in a unique way and we praise you for that. Let them never forget that You see them for who they are, that you love them for who they are and you find value in them as is. Will you build their identity on your truth alone. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Amen! If you are an Enneagram Four, I hope you feel seen, known, and celebrated by this episode. I’m guessing if you know a Four they will appreciate that you’ve taken the time to learn more about how they view the world the way they do and that they are so much more than a number! Share this episode with them and a message about how they add so much beauty and richness in your life but most of all, you love them for just being who they are!

The best is yet to come,

Episodes about the Enneagram Fours:

Springs Series: What You Need to Know about the Enneagram Four | Dr. Anne Morgan

Join Our Free Trial